Ha Ha

EVER WONDER …

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why do they call the airport the terminal if flying is so safe?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?

A “heads up” for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.

Here’s how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say “No” and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also July 1st, 5th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each

Thanks to dysan.net

http://www.dysan.net/weird/show/705.html

This “moran” should get a brain, preferably with spell check…

I usually don’t like it when people forward emails to me, but now and then I get one I actually like.

Ole was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens) called “pullets,” and 10 roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Ole’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To Ole’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Ole was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the San Diego County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No-Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully this year… the bells are not always audible.

Somehow, what they said back then is even more appropriate for the current political climate…

We would like to apologise for the way in which politicians are represented in this programme. it was never our intention to imply that politicians are weak-kneed political time-servers who are concerned more with their personal vendettas and private power struggles than the problems of government, nor to suggest at any point that they sacrifice their credibility by denying free debate on vital matters in the mistaken impression that party unity comes before the well-being of the people they supposedly represent, nor to imply at any stage that they are squabbling little toadies without an ounce of concern for the vital social problems of today. Nor indeed do we intend that viewers should consider them as crabby ulcerous little self seeking vermin with furry legs and an excessive addiction to alcohol and certain explicit sexual practices which some may find offensive.

-Monty Pythons Flying Circus, 1972

I used to have Brighthouse cable, including a high-definition dvr. Hi-def on my TV was incredible. I got to a point where it was unpleasant watching regular TV. Then I switched to Verizon FIOS. Unfortunately, they were back-ordering the HD-DVRs. Without hi-def I just have not been enjoying TV lately, watching only a few special programs that I just can’t miss.

Today my back-ordered HD-DVR finally arrived. I am in heaven again. I’ve got a bunch more HD channels than I had before. It’s like… WOW! Watching TV will now be a pleasant experience again.

Here’s a little illustration showing the difference between regular and hi-def TV. The content is the same, but notice how much clearer the hi-def picture is…

Be careful if you ask a kindergartner to draw some scissors…

Okay… think machine + cinema… what do you get? Machinima.

Here’s a look at how movies are made in virtual worlds…

Gametrotting Eps #3 - Machiniwaaa?

“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”

“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

“Well, It’s Not Unusual ”

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. How may I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window’s.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. How may I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on ‘START’

“I’m not a member of any organized group. I’m a Democrat.”
~Will Rogers

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

‘”What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting Flies,” he responded.

“Oh? Killing any?” she asked.

“Yep. Three males, two females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell them apart?”

“Easy,” he responded. “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”

“My Religion”
In the winter, I’m a Buddhist,
In the summer, I’m a nudist!
~ Joseph Ferdinand Gould

Check out this animation of baby boomers singing Bored Tubby Mild, it’s hysterical. I’m sure you’ll recognize the tune immediately…

Looks like the great rift valley of Africa may be slightly off. Shouldn’t it be a bit farther to the southeast?

“It’s like a cow’s opinion; it doesn’t matter. It’s moo.”
Joey in “Friends”

There seems to be some kind of bug in my blog. I need to get an exterminator…

The other day I was at Busch Gardens talking with some friends. Of course, the Monty Python dead parrot sketch came up. Doesn’t it usually? In case you’re not familiar with it, here’s the killer cars sketch which leads into the dead parrot sketch and finishes off with the lumberjack song. Classic Monty Python at it’s best…

If you're a loser McDonald's is hiring…

#1

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

#2

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.

The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.

"The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

#3

Use hand soap…

You can get them here.

A man walks into a bar and says, "Ow!"

So where exactly is Baltimore?

This picture is floating around on several sites that I visit. I got a kick out of it, so I'm sharing it with you.

Holy cow! A cow that does Kung Fu…

But wait! There's more! 

Methinks I may have too much time on my hands when I start watching things like these. 

Hmmm, "family values" are supposed to be a GOOD thing, aren't they?

“In case of fire, keep calm, pay bill, then run!”

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm. He had a large pond in the back.  It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice — picnic tables, shuffleboard courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't  been there for a while, and look it over.  He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.  As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.  As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."  Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.

Google keeps coming up with more and more interesting things to do. I was recently told to check out the Apollo landing sites on Google Moon. You can use the zoom controls in the upper left corner to zoom in. If you zoom all the way in you’ll see the most incredible detail on the surface of the moon that you’ll ever see…

Here it is, from beginning to end…

Perhaps you've already seen this cartoon by David Pope from the Sun-Herald in Australia , but then again, maybe you haven't…

From wulffmorgenthaler.com:

Do NOT try this at home, they are trained professionals…

From xkcd.com, a webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language. 

And, um, so do tortoises…

We came out of the Edge of Africa behind the Crown Colony. We heard a strange grunting sound. This is what we saw in the tortoise enclosure.

How do you squat? The Asian way or the Western way? I prefer the Asian way. I can squat for a much longer period of time with much less pain using this method.

This video will explain it all.

Well, there you go, now you know squat…

Found this cartoon by Joe Sayers the other day and thought I'd share it with you.

Click here for full size image. You can read more thingpart cartoons here.

From Toothpaste For Dinner 

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I, let's go get a beer."

Last week I got a therapeutic massage. It really made me feel a lot better. It not only relieves muscle tension, it also relieves mental tension. My bad mood improved dramatically. If you're interested in knowing more about therapeutic massage, this short video will explain the procedures and the benefits.

Link to therapeutic massage video 

Be sincere, even if you don't mean it.

~ Benny Hill

I was reading a forum thread about beer jokes over at beeradvocate.com when I came across this one and I thought I'd share it with you…

THE BEER PRAYER

Our lager, which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen.

This sign appeared in a new cheese shop on Smith Street in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn:

“Unattended children will be given an espresso and a free puppy.”

There are two kinds of people in the world:

1. Those who need closure. 

From time to time Busch Gardens makes repairs to their walkways. There was a small patch required near the Desert Grill. Thinking of safety first, they put up a barricade to protect us from the dangerous situation. The patch itself is about a foot and a half by a foot and a half and is visible within the barricade. The barricade is maybe three feet on each side. Please be careful when in this area. And remember! Do not enter the confined space without a permit!

Just in case you haven't heard… September 19 is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. In the spirit of the day, posts and comments will appear in pirate dialect. So go out and talk like a pirate…

Little Becky is a featured guest at 98 FM in Dublin. Visit her web page and hear more of her prank calls. They're all good, but not as good as when she rang up the demolition company to destroy her school. After listening to her other calls, you can give a listen to the station online.

I've listened to this recording a bunch of times. It gets funnier every time I listen to it. I laugh so hard I get tears in my eyes…

I heard it on a broadcast from bluegrasscountry.org. It originally came from 98 FM Dublin via spikedhumor.com. 

This is my favorite pun. Can you top this?

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 

Note to self: start wearing pajamas to bed…

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, “Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?” Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew…

“They won’t let me fart.”

One of my favorite cartoons is Get Fuzzy. If you live with a cat then you’ll know why…

I just watched an interesting news item about the Swiss spaghetti harvest of 1957. It seems that a mild winter and drop in the population of spaghetti weevils resulted in a bumper crop that year. You can watch the BBC news segment here and read the article explaining the phenomenon here.

I wasn’t sure exactly what to expect after we saw this sign shortly after boarding Carnival’s Inspiration for our cruise to Mexico…

So, anyway, the cruise itself was OK but I have a bit of advice: be really careful about choosing your traveling companions… 

We left Tampa late Thursday afternoon and headed southwest. I checked out the shore excursions that would be available and Chichen Itza was NOT being offered. Drats! The one thing I was looking forward to.

The farther we went the rougher the seas became. They announced a change in our itinerary. We were originally scheduled to go to Cozumel, but apparently the conditions there haven’t improved enough to meet Carnival’s "high" expectations. The piers were ripped out by hurricane Wilma and haven’t been repaired yet. We’d have to drop anchor offshore and use a ferry boat to get to Cozumel. They decided we’d go to Playa Del Carmen instead where we could tie up to a pier. Then they decided we’d go to Cozumel after all. Then the storm in the Carribean became a tropical storm… TS Gamma… headed straight for Cozumel…

So now we’re off to the other side of the Yucatan Peninsula to the  port of Progresso. Progresso is a dreary town with very little to offer tourists, but one of the shore excursions now being offered was a trip to Chichen Itza! HOORAY!

I spent most of Saturday on the shore excursion. I was able to climb the 91 very steep steps to top of the pyramid again. What a magical experience! This is the largest of the Mayan pyramids. To get an idea of the size of this pyramid, look to the left of the bottom of the stairs and you’ll see a person walking in front of the pyramid. What goes up must come down, and a lot of people freak out when they get to to the top and look down those steep steps.

The rest of the cruise I’d rather forget. As I said you’ve got to be careful when choosing your traveling companions…

Here’s a picture of our ship at the docks in Progresso. It’s 855 feet long. It carries a passenger load of over 2000 with a crew of almost 1000. That’s 3000 people onboard for four and a half days. The boat seems so big when you get on but kind of shrinks as the days go by.

I’m glad I went but I’m glad it’s over and I’m home alive and well… and smarter for the experience. 

This one made me think of that commercial "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!" The commercial is about a product for people who have to urinate too frequently. I could never figure out just who could use the product since the fine print says something to the effect of "Not for people with urinary problems". Hmmm….

I mean, really, what could I say?

Found somewhere in cyberspace. 

"The problem with having a sense of humor is often that people you use it on aren’t in a very good mood." -Lou Holtz

From Toothpaste For Dinner 

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long Cuddles discovers that she’s lost. Wandering about she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike A look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running the dog sits down with her back to her attackers pretending she hasn’t seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, "Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story…
Don’t mess with old farts, age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

What happens when you yell "MOVIE" in a crowded firehouse?

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed.
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed.
3. One to decide that, yeah, it IS dark in here.
4. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.
5. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness.
6. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for the new light bulb.
7. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: “Light Bulb Change Accomplished.”
8. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark.
9. One to viciously smear #8.
10. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along.
11. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

(Found on Doug’s Dynamic Drivel)

Obituary from The Chicago Tribune. Read the fine print…

"Apply" now to secure a lucrative career both decrying and luxuriating in the spoils of Big Government! No experience necessary! Don’t miss your chance to suckle greedily at America’s soon-to-be-bankrupt bureaucracy teat!

Sound interesting? Visit Crony Jobs for more information… 

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.